From your friendly support technician.
- Always call IT the second you encounter a problem. Always tell IT that you have restarted the machine in question, whether or not you actually have. That probably won't fix the problem anyway.
- Please remain under the impression that the big rectangular screen thing on which words and pictures appear (known to a small niche group as a "monitor") is in fact your computer. That way it will take a good half and hour extra to troubleshoot network connectivity problems because you are convinced there is no network cord plugged into your "computer."
- The excuse that you do not know how to use email because you don't have it at home is a perfectly acceptable one in the modern business world. Please continue to employ it, and continue to not learn any other aspect of your job that you do not also do in your own home.
- Backing up years' worth of data on floppy disks is always a good idea.
- It's absolutely all right to print out every email you ever receive and/or send. You never know when you might need to refer back to one of them, and how would you ever find it if it weren't filed away with the 30,000 others?
- If the computer equipment you are given to use in the office is paid for and maintained by the IT department, you are to feel free to beat the hell out of it. They enjoy fixing an endless series of minor, easily-avoided problems. If they weren't doing that, they'd just be playing Flash games instead.
- If when you call your company's tech staff and you reach a woman you're not familiar with, the only correct conclusion to draw is that she is the new IT secretary. Just ask to speak to "one of the guys in IT," and you'll be fine.
- Remember to resist any new idea or technology your tech staff suggests you use. All they're trying to do is make your job more complicated, and make you feel bad for not knowing as much about computers as they do. WordPerfect suits you fine, thanks very much.
- When requesting a new network account for a new employee, make sure you specify to the tech staff that, in addition to a network username and password, the employee will need access to the internet. If you do not specify this, IT will not know to perform their magic internet ritual for that employee, and, as a result, the employee will not be able to access the internet, possibly for the rest of her life. Occasionally animal sacrifices are involved - please check with your own IT department for the policies particular to them.
- When asking IT to replace a missing file from the backup, make sure to have no idea where the file was saved in the first place. Too many details like that just bogs technicians down.
- If you choose to install peer-to-peer file-sharing programs and download unauthorized files to your office computer, by all means be astonished when your IT technician tells you there is malicious software and/or viruses on same computer. They need to do a better job of making sure you can't do things like that.
- If the project at hand deals in any way, shape or form with a computer, it obviously must be the job of the computer staff, and any member of the staff can do any given task. Enter data, run reports, design websites, program applications, set up a huge corporate network - it's all one and the same thing. If one of your technical staff claims that a particular task is not really his job, politely correct him and point out the irrefutable logic that, "You do the computer stuff, don't you?"
- It's all right to boast a little about your computer expertise by typing in all capital letters and setting elaborate fonts and slow-loading stationery in your emails. It will just inspire others to follow your example.
Please also keep in mind that while your friendly support technician does