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The Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol VII

Some of these posts are gone already - most flagged, for some strange reasons - but I've been saving them. For posterity. Or momentary amusement. Or something.

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The Best of Columbus (and Ohio) Craigslist, Vol VI

Sorry, Columbus - you haven't been bringing the crazy lately, so I've had to branch out to other Ohio cities' Craigslist boards. Consider this a challenge.

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The Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol V

Congratulations, Columbus. You finally accumulated enough internet weirdness for me to compile a new edition of Best of Columbus Craigslist.

Seeking fanfiction writer Seeking fanfiction writer for the one tree hill category.

The basic plot of the story is that Nathan ‘lives it up’ with his father, but suffers inside due to physical abuse from his father. When he’s finally rescued [will happen in the first 2-3 chapters] he has to recover from it. Story will focus on recovery. I’ve got more of a plot formed in my brain, but need someone to help write it. You will be credited fully for your work.

All writers should be familiar with the category One Tree Hill and Season One

Writer will be expected to publish 15-20 chapters around 1,000 words each. I will act as a beta for you but you MUST write in past tense and have good grammar. Writers should be in the 15+. Abuse will not be graphic in nature.

Pay for this story will only be fanfiction reviews (and I’ll act as a reference--) but COULD lead to future, paid work.

Please email any questions to the email above or if you’d like to accept the job email me your info to the job above. link

I'm glad no one ever told thirteen-year-old me you could get paid for fanfiction. It would have led me down a dark path. Beyond that, however, I have so many questions about this. Do you really need a reference for fanfiction reviews? Why is it necessary to have a "beta?" And what the hell is One Tree Hill?

roofer / daredevil need someone to go up on a SLATE roof to replace a rubber boot. wont take more than a few minutes i cust dont know how to get up on the SLATE roof wothout breaking it link

Something about this just does not sound like a good idea, even by Craigslist standards.

Need drunken tales I am compling a book with stories of drunken wildness and shenanigans. I would like to get stories from as many people as possible and once I get enough I will pick the best and they will be placed in my book. Please send me your craziest story of something that happened while you were intoxicated. Also be sure to include how you would like your name to appear in the book credits. link

So, this one time, I got really drunk, and thought it would be the best idea ever to make a book about random people's drunken adventures, even if they couldn't really remember them, which, if they were really drunk, they probably couldn't. It was awesome, man.

Zen Warrior seeks worthy sparring partner I seek a very attractive women in hopes of never meeting in this world But to reach across the void to ponder those things mere mortals have yet to consider. I left all at 17 to seek truth and look to share this journey on a pure mental level ( as in e-mail) with one so inspired. Why a hottie then? Hell, thats simple you put the physical attraction thru the channel of mind focused thru heart. Laser, its focused light. Focus the mind and penetrate the void. link

... Right.

The Art of the Craigslist Missed Connection

Admit it - secretly, you dream about browsing your local Craigslist Missed Connection page and seeing a description of you. Well, one kind soul in Columbus has decided to give you your wish:

cafe girl, you're so hot - m4w (your cafe) saw you at the cafe once or twice. youre incredibly cute. i thought you might have thought something along the same line. i had on clothes and so did you, but you looked way better. (link)

You know, I was in a cafe the other day, and I had on clothes. I bet this is totally me.

(In a side note, C-bus, you've seriously been letting me down in the Craigslist category lately. I haven't been able to compile a Best of Columbus Craigslist for a while now. Are all the crazies hibernating or something? Come on out now, it's spring! Do your civic duty and give me some blog fodder.)

The Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol IV

Not as many as usual today, but I had better post them before they expire and I get accused of making them up. Like I even could make this stuff up.

Sexy Dwarf Woman at The UA White Castle... - You were behind the counter steaming sliders. I could tell you were high quality by the volume of hydrated onions you slathered on the grill. You were so petite, albeit a little thick. The way your White Castle uniform fit you threw me into a fit of desire, although I'm blind in one eye, I could make out your sexy outline against the backdrop of the onion chip fryers. It was 2:30AM and you were too busy to notice me. Please contact me. link

I wonder about you sometimes, Columbus. I really do.

Hipster guys at the Panera in Clintonville - Man, I had no idea Panera is so scene. Nor did I know that the Beatles had somehow reunited by magic. Thanks for being there today in order to stare down my friends and I as we walked by to leave.

I wish I was as cool as you guys. link

We can only hope they were suitably chastened by the anonymous CL bashing.

Help Me With My PhD Dissertation - I can't believe I'm doing this...but...here goes. I'm looking for an open minded, articulate, observant female to share dining experiences with me at White Castle restaurants in the greater Columbus area. I'd like to visit every W.C. store in Central Ohio. Working on PhD dissertation on the social aspects of the Slyder experience. Prospective partners must be hungry and into Slyders, Cheese-Slyders, Aero Burgers and Swimmers. A penchant for onion chips would be a plus. You must be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with your mouth half-full of an all-beef burger. If you're a food officianado, appreciate the campiness of the Whitey experience, if you know how many Slyders are in a large griddle, a small griddle and the only day of the year W.C. is closed, hit me up. Your pic gets mine. link

People, what is it with the White Castle? A PhD dissertation on Slyders? What exactly is that prospective degree in?

The Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol III

It's about time for another one, isn't it?

Need someone to drive while I drink Lets just start by saying I like to drink a lot. My liver probably looks like a gas station bathroom. But I don't like to drive when I have been drinking not to mention if I do the judge has threatened to take my license for life. So I need someone to drive me around to a few bars until I complete my alcohol intake each evening and then drive me home. Hey if I drink enough you may not even have to take me all the way home I won't even know the difference. This will be a nightly job. At least until I go to rehab. [link]

The new responsible, methodical alcoholism. I wonder if there's a checklist to make sure the alcohol intake is completed as prescribed.

Seeking mullet pics I am looking for mullet photographs. If you have a mullet or know someone who does please send them to me for a compilation I am attempting to complete. Any kind of mullet will work from skullets to chicklets. [link]

The best coffee table book idea ever. If you hate having visitors.

I need a turtle! I need a turtle, a red eared slider or a mud/musk turtle, preferably a mud/musk turtle. Give me an offer, but no more than twenty. I can get a baby for that much. [link]

I'm a little taken aback by the urgency in this one. I can't imagine what kind of situation would lead one to need a turtle, and a specific kind of turtle, so desperately. Probably better not to ask.

Bassist ... ahem
I play.....
I have good gear...
I like a lot of stuff...
Fugazi, Teeth Of The Hydra, Isis, Coalesce, The Cardinal Sin
Meh.... [link]

Fortunately, "enthusiasm" isn't generally included in the job description for a bassist.

Seeking Pirate ship My name is Captain Morgan and I am seeking a real pirate ship. I don't want some speed boat with a skull and bones flag attached and painted black. I want a real pirate ship with treasure chests, parrots and everything. If you have one you are looking to sell please contact me. I am willing to pay a nice sum for the right ship. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH MATEY. [link]

He missed Talk like a Pirate Day by a good week, so now it's just weird.

Need prosthetic leg I am looking to purchase a prosthetic leg to be used as a planter. My best friend used to have a prosthetic leg due to being mauled by a bobcat and is now deceased due to the stump becoming infected so I feel this would be a great way to remember him. I plan on filling the leg with dirt and planting his favorite flowers , dandelions inside it. So if you happen to have an extra leg laying around contact me and I will make you an offer for the leg. [link]

... What?

Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol II

Good grief, Columbus. You've outdone yourselves this round.

Dear Mrs. Pink Purse Dear Mrs. Pink Purse, My wife and I had went on a long and miserable rafting trip down off of Big Run Road in Gambier. We were both sunburned and tired from having to row most of our 3+ mile trip when we stumbled upon your purse. It was a really dingy and pink in color. Contents are as follows: 3 depressing love letters, Two dollars and nine cents in change, an empty little pink wallet type thing (also dingy), and one nicely rolled joint. I want to apologize for reading the letters, but I thought they might give some clue of your identity, unfortunately not. I left it just as I found it, underneath the bridge on Big Run Road, but short 3 letters and the pot. The letters are old and I know they would only depress you more, and the pot, I couldn't just leave it there. When you find your ugly, dingy, pink purse, I hope that you realize life is too short to get hung up on being depressed. Your life may be awful, but you did put a smile on our faces. You will find an additional five dollars to cover the cost of your joint. It was some pretty good shit by the way. Best wishes. [link]

And they say there's no considerate folks left these days.

Need someone to march around in protest I am planning a large scale massive protest of the killing of innocent squirrell monkeys in Indonesia. Hundreds of these poor helpless creatures are being killed every day so that their fur may be used to make cowboy boots. It is getting out of hand. I want to hire several people to march in downtown Columbus carrying signs to protest these sensless and violent killings. This will not be anything violent simply a peaceful protest. Just march around an hour or two chanting random thoughts about monkeys while carrying a sign that says Stop the Madness and stop killing monkeys. [link]

I appreciate the activist spirit and sentiment, but I also suggest "chanting random thoughts about monkeys" might not be the best way to go about it. Come up with some bullet points, at least.

Need someone to rough me up Yes you read that correctly. I am tired of my girlfriend thinking I am too soft and people beating me up daily. I am tired of having my lunch stolen. I need someone to come over daily and rough me up a little bit to toughen me up somewhat. Nothing too violent just a little smack in the back of the head here a kick in the shin there. Maybe stomp my foot while I am watching TV. Take my plate as I am eating dinner. Come in the middle of the night and wake me up by banging pots and pans . Just simple things like that. No roid freaks please I said rough me up not kill me. [link]

I'm not certain this is "rough me up" as much as it is "slightly annoy me in the course of my daily life." But, you know, whatever works.

Nice a** refrigerator This fridge is really nice. If you need one take mine. open to trade. What do you have? [link]

That description is in fact one of the taglines they use at Lowe's to sell appliances.

I did learn my lesson, though, that if I come across a priceless CL post, I need to copy/paste it to a safe place. There was a dude who posted about his need to borrow someone's house to claim as his own in order to impress a certain female. He even offered to change the sheets after he was done, which was charmingly optimistic of him. But, alas, the post was flagged before I could get the text. From now on, I'll keep my own records.

My bed I hate changing my bed! I'll pay someone $10.00 a week to do it for me. I live in the Henderson/Reed area. [link]

However, it does seem that with all the sheet-changing needed around the city, it might be the business to start.

The Best of Columbus Craigslist, Vol. I

I've put forth a couple of volumes of this before, but they were on MySpace or previous blog platforms, and therefore do not count. Maybe I'll find them and recycle them into later volumes. Right now, however, this is what we've got.

Need a look a like - I need Friday off of work however I have no time left to use and cannot afford to take it unpaid. I need someone who looks like me to stand in and go to work for me for one day only. Needs to be about 5'4" 300 lbs have dark hair and missing one tooth. This should not be hard as my manager doesn't really come by much but if no one is sitting in my seat she may notice. [link]

Basically, if you fit the stringent requirements, you could go and sit all day in a place where you're not a paid employee, and for your trouble, not get paid by the person who is using you to skip work. What an awesome deal. I also like how the poster provided a description that includes height, weight, and dental details, but not his or her gender.

Looking for old, plastic giraffe I am looking for an old, plastic giraffe that I sold at a garage sale in Waldo in 1986 or 87. It stood about 3 feet tall and was white with primary colored spots. It also had pegs on the neck to hang clothes. If you know where I might find it, please email me. Thanks for your help! [link]

Details have surfaced about the giraffe's possible involvement in the 1985 slaying of an entire village of Legos, and he is now wanted for questioning.

Vince Neil/ Sabastian Bach Needed!!! We are a hair metal band in need of a singer. We have shows ready and need you. If you love The House Of Hair Show and it's music you will love our style. No druggies or outrageous EGO's needed thanks. We are a simple band rocking Columbus with all those covers. Please email us for an audition. We are all 35ish but age doesn't matter. [link]

I'm not sure about you, but I'm a little uncertain about my ability to handle someone who combines the incredible talent and coolness of Vince Neil AND Sebastian Bach at once. Can that really be contained in one human being?

Need someone to do my homework for me - m4w - 19 It's just Communications class. [link]

First off, this is in the "Strictly Platonic" section, which means there's no way he/she is paying for this. Instead, the poster want someone to do his or her homework in exchange for the honor of his or her indifferent friendship. I would advise doing that communications homework yourself - apparently you need to build up your skills in that area.

Thanks, C-bus. Same time next fortnight?